This is the essential guide for movie studios to learn the best methods for crushing the hopes and dreams of all film fans everywhere. Take a look...
Number One:
Get your multitude of fans' hopes up for a really kickass film...
..then kick them in the balls with a bunch of lawsuits that aren't about money, but about demanding that the movie never get released. Watchmen is undoubtedly one of the most talked about films for 2009. Let's hope it actually gets released in that year - or any year for that matter.
Runner Up: Delay your movie that has a ridiculously large fan base.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is now slated for a July '09 release instead of this November.
Number Two:
Discover a good idea...
...and then run it into the ground with an infinite amount of crappy sequels. Not everyone liked the first Saw, but enough people realized it had a sadistic creativity that it became a success. Now we're plagued with one every Halloween until the end of time. Happy now?
Number Three:
Add a long awaited new chapter to one of the greatest franchises of all time...
...but make it complete and utter garbage. At least they found what they were really looking for.
Runner Up: AVP Requiem. How in the world were they able to make this crappier than the first AVP?
Number Four:
Remake your own movie shot for shot.
Michael Haneke remade his own movie, Funny Games, shot for shot and line for line. Maybe the funny games Haneke was playing was with his bank account as the film only made back about 1/5 of what it cost to make.
Runner Up: Bangkok Dangerous
The Pang Brothers remade their own film in the same decade. And they didn't make it better.
Number Five:
Be an awesome movie director and then go AWOL for 12 years.
James Cameron created some of the most beloved sci-fi epics of all time with Terminator, Abyss, and Aliens. Then after making the highest grossing film of all time in 1997 he completely stopped making the blockbuster films he was known for.
Runner Up: The Wachowski Brothers
After making the revolutionary Matrix movies and V for Vendetta, the Wachowskis turned to colorful kids' films.
Number Six:
Be a comedic genius...
...and then star in other people's movies that aren't funny. Simon Pegg cemented his stardom and his acclaimed dark comedy with the immensely popular Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, both of which he co-wrote. Then he starred in Run Fatboy Run. Which was terrible.
Runner Up: Ricky Gervais
After creating the incomparable The Office and following strongly with Extras, Gervais starred in Night at the Museum, For Your Consideration, Stardust, and Ghost Town. Now those aren't exactly bad movies, but they didn't allow the funnyman to showcase his true hilarity.
Number Seven:
Let Uwe Boll make a movie out of your video game.
The notorious director has slaughtered House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne, Dungeon Siege and more. He has been called the Ed Wood of our times. He may not be the worst director of all time, but..well, he's gotta be pretty close. Next year get ready for Alone in the Dark 2 and Bloodrayne 3. I kid you not.
I guess the only thing that could be worse than anything on this list is if the studios decided to remake films that definitely don't need remakes. Like Akira, Escape From New York, The Evil Dead, Friday the 13th, Hellraiser, The Thing, Poltergeist, The Dirty Dozen, Footloose, Short Circuit, Death Wish, Conan the Barbarian, The Last House on the Left, A Nightmare on Elm Street, or The Birds. Thank God I don't have to worry about any of those getting re-made.
- Joel Massie
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Dirty Dozen is a classic. How dare they even consider remaking that.
I think a "Short Circuit" remake with a CGI Johnny Five would be fantastic. *Cough* Especially if Fisher Stevens reprised his role as the racially insensitive, culturally fuzzy, kooky inventor.
Also, a "Footloose" remake with that sexually ambiguous kid from "high school musical" doesn't sound nauseating or vulgar at all. No-sir-eee.
And yes, while James Cameron has made some fantastic action films, Titanic was one of the most grueling cinematic experiences of my entire life. I think I was 16 when I saw it in theatres, which explains why, at the end when Jack is dead and Rose is again yelling "Jack" "Jack", I yelled, "Splash cold water on his face!". I was not popular in that theatre.
Great article Joel!! 
haha. I hear ya bro. titanic is such a pile of crap. i can't believe it made so much money - at least maybe Dark Knight will finally beat it
I never really cared for Short Circuit all that much. Johnny 5 is cooler now that he's called Wall-E
I just say... directors need to find more creative ways to get us PG-13 boobies... Little johny taylor, age 7