“Who is this nutball?” asks a Gotham City police officer after the diabolical Mr. Freeze makes an appearance. Comically absurd dialogue aside, that nutball would be Arnold Schwarzenegger, the star of the fourth Batman film, Batman and Robin. Arnold gets billed above George Clooney, who replaces Val Kilmer as the legendary Dark Knight. Sadly, however, no one replaced director Joel Schumacher, who has once again completely destroyed three new Batman villains, as well as further running the franchise into the ground.

Gotham City is under attack from a maddened scientist who has an insatiable thirst for the cold. Using an unfathomably powerful ice gun amongst other subzero devices, self-named Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) wreaks havoc on the town, stealing valuable diamonds for use in both his armor and in a plot to freeze the entire city. Joining him is Dr. Pamela Easley (Uma Thurman) who is unexplainably transformed into the lusty yet venomous Poison Ivy, a woman bent on using Mother Nature to destroy the world. She is also accompanied by Bane, a ruthless convict who is pumped up with steroids and venom for unmatched physical strength.

Meanwhile, Batman (George Clooney) must deal with Robin’s (Chris O’Donnell) constant nagging about teamwork and his poor decisions. Batman has difficulty trusting anyone, and Robin’s complaining doesn’t seem to help. Faithful butler Alfred (Michael Gough) becomes sick, and his niece Barbara Wilson (Alicia Silverstone) drops by for a visit, only to cause more troubles for Batman and Robin.

It doesn’t seem to matter to fans, who keep pumping money into the series, no matter how ridiculous it gets. The neon lights, fluorescent face paint, and lavish costumes all return for another round of unspeakably cheesy superhero action, and not even the introduction of Batgirl can help save it – especially not the introduction of Batgirl.

Similar to the downward transition of James Bond (from Sean Connery to Roger Moore), in which many fans were less than thrilled with Moore’s tongue-in-cheek attitude, Batman has become dependent on droll one-liners and unnecessary comedy to dispatch the baddies. Before every fight, every attack, every push of a button, and every retaliation is a dreadfully effete one-liner quip, oftentimes delivered by multiple characters. Not only is the dialogue hopelessly pathetic, the villains have to speak in lengthy monologues just to keep the audience aware of their schemes.

Apparently unable to create interesting or new geneses for the villains, Mr. Freeze is introduced exactly like Two-Face in the previous film, and is surrounded by nonstop unbelievable elements. So is Poison Ivy, who without explanation has poisonous lips, a flashy wardrobe designer, and Leia Organa’s hairstylist. Her introduction exactly duplicates The Riddler’s appearance from Batman Forever. The third villain, Bane, is reduced to little more than Frankenstein’s monster, and Batgirl couldn’t have been more unnecessary. Her annoying prying, inconsideracy and daredevil ways lead to constant irritation – not aid. Perhaps most disheartening of all, however, is the fact that every character in the film defies gravity, physics and any form of logic.

Batman and Robin’s design manages to rip off A Clockwork Orange, Mad Max, Star Wars, and Cirque Du Soleil, amongst others (need I mention the Batman Visa Card?). Every time the heroes get into a harrowing situation, they conveniently have a device readily available to save themselves – or the camera cuts away and we have to assume they got out alive. This is one of those films that begs for Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary from the audience, and ensures that Batman will need a complete makeover in order to ever be taken seriously again.

- Mike Massie

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