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In the world of Andy Sidaris, women aren’t afraid to shower in front of one another, have never heard of bras, style their blonde hair to be as voluminous as possible, always carry firearms and throwing stars, change outfits constantly, and wear sunglasses everywhere. It’s partly an homage to serious, famous movie spies, but more insultingly, frequently self-comparative. Most of the cast continually tries to measure up to James Bond, Emma Peel, Charlie Chan and others – failing quite miserably. In Molokai, Hawaii, a contaminated, monstrous, live snake is infected by deadly toxins from cancer-infested rats – and gets loaded onto a cargo plane with a couple of sightseeing passengers and two beautiful pilots, Donna (Dona Speir), who is also a spy, and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton), a witness protection civilian with combat skills. After they drop off the tourists, they stumble upon a special delivery from a diamond smuggler, Seth Romero (Rodrigo Obregon), who is using the island to receive valuable, stolen goods. Meanwhile, secret agents Rowdy (Ronn Moss) and Jade (Harold Diamond) are called in to provide intel, and later to get into the thick of it. Fortunately for them, they carry a bazooka in the back of their Jeep, which comes in handy when they need to blow away the occasional skateboarder or blow-up doll. While in town, they also meet with undercover contact Edy Stark (Cynthia Brimhall), who provides little more than another tanned body, nudity, and fodder for a hostage situation. |
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The dialogue is completely terrible, replete with corny one-liners - which is definitely expected. Conversations consist of dozens of wasted words, attempting to tell the audience every single thought. If someone sees something, they describe it, despite the fact that we can see it too. If someone is thinking something, they say it, even though we are almost certainly thinking the same thing. As Donna and Taryn discover answers to the few mysteries, they spell it out for extra clarity. When they find a mutilated dead body shown in fake, gory detail to the screen, they describe it, as if squeamish viewers might have turned away. Hard Ticket to Hawaii has its own theme song, which is mildly impressive, but the action and adventure are bland, which is unfortunate considering the budget (although the vast number of busty women probably took up the majority of the funds). Even the martial arts fighting and explosions lack suspense, along with the villains that keep coming back after being shot, stabbed, bitten, harpooned and more. With the Malibu Express boat making an appearance in the opening scene, along with a poster hanging in Donna’s room, it’s clear Sidaris doesn’t mind paying tribute to himself. No one else would find a reason. The big rubber snake provides most of the humor, aside from the unintentional laughs caused by bad dialogue and worse acting, but a ridiculous Frisbee duel takes the cake for sheer cheesy villain elimination. Credit is due, however, to the utterly nonsensical finale, consisting of a motorcycle bursting through a house followed by a tuck and roll with a bazooka to take out the last remaining non-human antagonist. - Mike Massie
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