Why is it that movies about animals are inherently depressing? When did an animal’s harm and/or death become so much more unendurable than a human’s? It probably stems back to the final scenes of “Old Yeller,” when Travis’ mother wants to put the rabid dog out of his misery by shooting him. As the audience starts bawling, Travis grabs hold of the gun: “No, Mama. He was my dog. I’ll do it.” No such scene exists in “Beverly Hills Chihuahua,” thank God, but the idea of an adorable dog getting lost far away from home is still pretty heart-wrenching, especially for the younger audiences this movie was made for. Adults will probably know right off the bat that everything will be all right, just as they will probably realize that the filmmakers did not have them in mind (I should know--I’m an adult). “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” is a lot like a stray dog: It’s cute but also a little mean, and not too many people will have the wherewithal to take it in.

If the sight of lapdogs wearing needlessly expensive clothing disgusts you, as it does me, then the beginning of this movie is not for you. It takes place in Beverly Hills, where it seems that the richest people over-pamper their pets. Toy dogs--like poodles, pugs, Yorkshire terriers, and Chihuahuas--are carried in designer bags to doggie spas, where they’re fed prime rib and bottled water as they’re being groomed. One dog has sections of its hair folded in strips of aluminum foil. Highlights are so becoming on a dog, wouldn’t you agree? A few of them walk on miniature treadmills, because goodness knows a dog can’t get enough exercise running through a park. Living in the midst of this extravagance is a Chihuahua named Chloe, a live action dog with a computer-generated mouth (voiced by Drew Barrymore). Her wealthy owner, Vivian (Jamie Lee Curtis), operates a cosmetics company.

When Vivian is called away to Capri on business, she asks her niece, Rachel (Piper Perabo), to watch Chloe for her. Rachel makes it clear to her friends that she doesn’t care much for her aunt’s dog; she’s spoiled and manipulative. Likewise, Chloe isn’t too fond of Rachel, and she tells this to all her dog friends as they lounge by the pool on their own floating lounge; Rachel, in her eyes, is mean and irresponsible.

Hoping to have some fun while Vivian is away, Rachel and her friends drive into Mexico for a mini vacation (one look at her aunt’s gigantic mansion is enough to make the idea seem silly). Chloe is forced to go with them since, apparently, no one else in Beverly Hills is available to watch a dog. Once they arrive, Chloe is kidnapped by Vasquez (José María Yazpik), a vile man who operates an underground dogfighting ring in Mexico City. The idea that a kid’s movie would make light of something so reprehensible is appalling; the filmmakers show numerous shots of dogs trapped in cages, and yet they handle those moments innocently, almost playfully. The dog pound scene in “Lady and the Tramp” was more serious than this, even with the inclusion of a musical number. Chloe escapes with the help of a German shepherd named Delgado (voiced by Andy Garcia), who was once a police dog but let go when he psychosomatically lost his sense of smell. Once Vasquez realizes how important Chloe is, he relies on his vicious Rottweiler, Diablo (voiced by Edward James Olmos), to retrieve her.

As Chloe and Delgado travel through Mexico, Rachel begins a frantic search effort. At her side are Vivian’s landscaper, Sam Cortez (Manolo Cardona), and his pet Chihuahua, Papi (voiced by George Lopez), who loves Chloe with all his heart. Contrary to what the ads for this movie claim, Papi is not the main character. He’s barely a supporting character, which is just as well seeing as he’s probably the least interesting. All he does is love Chloe blindly and say witty things like, “Hold your tacos!” and “Let’s go kick some tail!” The most interesting side character is Manuel (voiced by Cheech Marin), a rat who gets by as a con artist with an iguana named Chico (voiced by Paul Rodriguez). One of the reasons he’s the most interesting is because he’s also the least logical; he wants to steal Chloe’s collar because it’s covered with diamonds. One wonders: As a rat, how does he hope to cash in on the collar? Are we to assume there are underground rat organizations with secret stashes of money? Even if there are, how does Manuel plan on spending his money? Are there upscale stores I’m not aware of with an interspecies clientele?

“Beverly Hills Chihuahua” gets less and less plausible as it nears its end, not helped by the fact that the settings become too exotic. At one point, Chloe and Delgado meet a tribe of Chihuahuas living in a long-since abandoned Mesoamerican temple city. Are we really supposed to believe that such a thing would be possible, even within the context of a kid’s movie? And why on earth did Plácido Domingo, one third of the Three Tenors, agree to voice the leader of the Chihuahuas? A man of such prestige deserves better than a below-average family film. I can say the same thing for pretty much all the actors. “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” is not the charming comedy it wanted to be--it’s jokey, broad, and even at its most sterile, there are moments when it’s very sad. Films with animal casts can have that effect, which makes me wonder why we still make them.

- Chris Pandolfi

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